freshbakedlady

*insert gif of Inigo Montoya saying “no, there is too much, let me sum up”*

18th: get informed at work my dad has been hospitalized due to a heart attack (again), have to wait to be picked up because my car is still in the shop and now needs a new computer
19th: arrange to work five-hour shifts so I can visit him in the ICU daily, stuck driving to work in the old ranch truck (lacks functional passenger door, passenger window, heater, low-beam headlights, functional parking break, and functional gear indicator), my mum develops cough/cold, dad regains consciousness and appears to be doing remarkably well
20th: get call from surgeon’s office that he can’t see me on the 27th, but can reschedule to the 26th, play frantic game of phone/email tag trying to tell them I will take that
21st: find out computer for car arrived but is wrong model (for an automatic, car is manual) and will have to be exchanged
22nd: dad has significant setback and has trouble breathing, additional interventions done, has to be moved to a room with better sight lines because he’s trying to escape in his confusion
23rd: double-check that all paperwork has been completed ahead of consultation, find reference to intake paperwork to be completed via email two weeks ahead of consultation, can’t determine if this refers to the multiple medical histories I already completed (including by email) or if they forgot to send me something more, send more frantic emails
24th: mum has her lost voice due to coughing, clearly has bronchitis if not pneumonia, dad convinces her to stay home and rest and she actually complies, which means she’s truly feeling horrible, leaving me to theoretically rest (since the ranch truck can’t handle that drive and I don’t use her truck) but mostly worry more

What was that I was saying last week about existential dread?

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written (somehow)

Day job: 22.75 hours, and I’m panicking over using up so much PTO when I was trying to save it up for the surgery that now feels like it may never happen

Listening: Goodnight Dreamer by Dreamer Isioma (somehow feels like I’ve always known this album, it just hit so right, though RIP my emotional associations with it forevermore due to circumstances)

Aftermarket Parts: PANIC

Other: commute to and from hospital (2+ hours daily)

He regarded the contents of his usual kit: ranks of vials with neat labels and brightly colored contents, a bottle of preserving alcohol, and the tiny knives and mortar and spoons to process findings in the field. As someone who had survived on the strength of his poisons, it felt strange and scary to lift out vial after vial and set them aside. But his life had gotten bigger than just poisons, and he would prove his mastery of less toxic herbs as well, so long as he didn't accidentally kill any of the judges with murderous macaroons or deadly dinner rolls.

---

LL#1083

My brain continues to be a bad neighborhood to live. At this point, the only thing I can attribute it to is my upcoming consultation for top surgery. I guess I just don’t understand what to expect--are they deciding if I get to have it or just talking details of what I want done or something else? If I knew what to expect, I might feel a little better. Instead, I’m just slowly winding tighter and tighter in preparation of a fight that might not actually be coming.

I have to keep reminding myself that I have enough money saved up, I can pay out of pocket even if the insurance won’t cover it. But then I spiral, thinking of reasons why the surgeon might refuse to work with me, which is something I can’t overcome by throwing money at the problem. (Which, rationally, is a big ?????? moment. Like...that’s...really not how this is probably going to work, but…)

The anxiety about it makes my dysphoria MASSIVELY worse, because oh god, what if I can’t get anyone to fix this for me? What if I’m stuck like this forever?

Sometimes, I think that allowing myself to want things is a mistake. I mean, believing that nothing will ever improve has nearly killed me a couple times over. But the alternative--seeing an escape hatch just out of reach--might kill me too. Now that I’ve cracked open the door and looked out into the promise of a world where my body fits my sense of self, the prospect of not getting to that point is brutal.

Turns out, it’s really hard to concentrate on anything through the fog of existential dread!

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 43.25 hours, and my department is so slow, people are being allowed to leave early if they want, unless you’re me, in which case the development department that co-owns my ass keeps creating more work for me

Cooking: eclairs filled with orange pastry cream (used Trader Joe’s blood orange rooibos tea bags to infuse the milk for the pastry cream, along with zest and orange extract, so it actually tastes of orange properly, stunningly delicious)

Crafting: making slow progress on a dragon’s egg dice bag for myself

Gardening: succulent club meeting

Reading: audiobook of This Is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone(in preparation for the Writing Excuses podcast close reading of it, marvelous and particularly fun to listen to while driving for some reason)

Listening: Everything Feels Ridiculous by Lauren O’Connell (more queer/trans artists, very enjoyable, feels very early aughts in its indie style)

"Sorry, sorry, I'm here, can you--" she said in a rush, thrusting out armfuls of lidded containers and parchment packets to her lover at the top of a vertical tunnel. She hadn't spent that much time above ground since before the two of them met, but the Buried Gardens and cave system weren't exactly compatible with baking the way her apartment was. Still, there was a special joy in watching gemstone claws peel open the packets and fish out her latest experiment with Candy Cap mushroom cookies or glowing breads, edible fusions of her world and theirs.

---

LL#1080

Just...a bad time. Bad brain, bad body, bad job, bad pie.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 43.75 hours, and I got a new mess dumped in my lap at the last minute, so this coming week will be interesting

Cooking: Impossible Pie from Baking Yesteryear (turned out correct but I find the eggy flavor of the filling layer nigh inedible, though sliced strawberries turn out to cover a multitude of sins), pan de cristal (a six-hour process conducted largely in 20-minute intervals, it is possibly the most annoying recipe I’ve ever made but GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, the bread is phenomenal)

Reading: Frankenstein audiobook (well that was...philosophically frustrating)

Listening: Level Up by Ninja Sex Party (listening to an original album from them at last and it certainly lifted my spirits *gigglesnort*), Shadowed Paths Through Middle-Earth by AKERIUS (dungeon synth from the label that handles Tales Under the Oaks, a solid background noise option)

Playing: continued the same playthrough of “Chill Out,” realizing that I just really struggle to come up with things on the fly

Aftermarket Parts: nine months <3

Other: D&D session (didn’t die, but still can’t hit the broad side of a barn when using a bow, despite being a ranger), put together my tax documents ಠ﹏ಠ

[CW for frank discussions of body changes, including hair loss, surgery, dysphoria, and libido. Also warnings for workplace discrimination. I'll be putting these updates fully under cuts, as they are less general interest on the topic of gender/transness and more "what do I personally have going on with my bits these days." Niche interest and all that.]

Nothing is technically wrong, and everything is terrible.

( Read more... )

When the first whispers of the contest had reached hir ears in the bakery, ze knew two things: ze absolutely had to participate, and ze absolutely couldn't let Leslie know it was hir. Ze didn't want an unfair advantage or unreachable expectations from hir boss at Sea Mink, so a disguise would be just as important as a mastery of pastry. Somewhere along the way, thinking of mask designs while kneading and inventing new tart fillings while sculpting, the two things started to merge, flavors and textures melding into something new, like hir.

---

LL#1077

Well, I didn’t enjoy that much at all! Cool!

Had a very up-and-down week at work, that involved a lot of reminders/implications that I am in a dead-end position, and the company has no intention of making a path forward available to me if I’m not going to take a management position. Also, relatedly, the reminder that no one will think of me as a candidate for certain positions because they don’t think of me as a man.

Thanks in part of all that, dysphoria has been kicking my ass the last few days.

And for the killing blow, my coworker-turned-DM-turned-very good friend announced she’s moving next month. So I won’t get to work with her, nor will we have our little weekend adventures. Not sure what will happen to the D&D group either.

On tumblr, there’s an emergent piece of advice across multiple posts: do it scared, do it alone. You can’t wait for other people to want to do cool things with you or to hold your hand when you’re intimidated. You’ve got to do it scared. You’ve got to do it alone.

AKA another manifestation of my personal motto: save yourself.

I guess I should be grateful for the time we had, which encouraged me to consider the joys of small adventures and actually going out and doing things. Now I have to make the choice to keep doing that on my own.

I am not, for reference, currently feeling very grateful. Just to be clear.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 43.25 hours, and several things went off the rails

Crafting: patched my work pants yet again, picked up some yarn and a new hook for a crochet project

Gardening: harvested the second crops of mushrooms, weeding in the castle garden

Reading: In an Absent Dream by Seanan McGuire (god, even knowing how it has to end because it’s a prequel, this was heartrending)

Listening: Yasmin by Malaika Mfalme (another transmasc artist, really lovely stuff, charmed by the references to old songs in “Younger”)

Playing: “Chill Out,” a journaling game about a road trip, I only got through the first two hours of the eight hours comprising a game, so I’ll keep playing it for the next little while

Aftermarket Parts: finished listening to the last module of the voice class, still need to go through the actual activities

Other: beach trip

A deeply boring week at work, due to a lot of dominoes waiting to be knocked over. At home, a pleasantly successful week, for contrast.

Once again following up on last week’s post, I made a point of doing something more active or stimulating when I got home from work. A bit of darning, playing Animal Crossing, that sort of thing. Just staying off the socials, mostly. I did find I got more things done and felt better about the day. But again, that’s mostly just because I dropped a lot of social media time out of my day. Which, yeah, it’s not shocking that I feel better when I’m offline, though the lack of brickspace social connections makes that...complicated.

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written and some good planning done

Day job: 43 hours, and I actually got to work on my electrical training classes (which I only have for another week now)

Cooking: this strawberry no-bake cheesecake from the Cooking Tree YouTube channel, which has been high on my list of things I want to try making--it turned out exactly as intended and is really quite light and lovely, also made kinpira gobo (sauteed burdock and carrots)

Gardening: mushroom kits are resprouting!

Reading: The Mysteries by Bill Watterson and John Kascht (huh, odd and the sort of thing that keeps rattling about in the back of my mind)

Listening: knocked out a bunch of singles and EPs again--”1157 (‘Til It’s Over),” “Outlast,” “Star Maps,” and “Wild Times” by S. J. Tucker, Check Engine Light/Waylon by Equal Creatures, Satanic Messiah EP by The Mountain Goats, D-SIDES by Djo

Playing: not part of the Solo But Not Alone 4 bundle, but I wanted to play The Potato RPG (which can be found floating around various spots online), critiques point out that it is rather unbalanced (I got eaten by orcs all five games I played), but that was kind of interesting in its own right--I’d like to try making my own one-page RPG that uses a couple of tables like this

Other: the leather-bound journal I ordered arrived, so I’m starting journaling a bit again

We joked that I needed to go back to work to get some rest after my vacation time. This is very much not how it works, but it is, at least, a very different sort of busy. Way less travel, but way more stupidity.

With me back at work, we can see my list of things from the week has been winnowed back down to the bare minimum. I wish I could figure out how to do more fun things during the week without burning out.

I’m so tired after work, I don’t much want to do anything. But are any of the things I’m thinking of doing--crafting, gardening, taking in new media--actually tiring in the same way? For example, I find myself wanting to eat a lot when I get off work, thinking that what I need for the tiredness is fuel, but that doesn’t seem to help much.

So what is the specific flavor of tiredness I’m experiencing, what is needed to recover from that, and what activities would draw on a different power source entirely?

Lewisia: 3 new pieces written

Day job: 44 hours, and I’m right back in it...

Cooking: Dream Bars from Baking Yesteryear, though I subbed walnuts for the pecans and added a ½ cup chopped dried apricots (listen, I am my mother’s son, we don’t understand how to follow a recipe without modifying it immediately), but in any case, they’re delicious--would probably bake the crust a bit less, as it is VERY crunchy

Gardening: harvested the mushroom kits, garden club post

Reading: Legends and Lattes by Travis Baldree (my DM bullied me into reading this, it’s super cute and now I’m hooked)

Listening: The Toad Alchemist by Tales Under The Oak (new dungeon music! with bonus audiobook!)